Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
