Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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