I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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