I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
