def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
