Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
