u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
