This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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