the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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