I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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