After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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