You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
