There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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