1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I AM VODKA MAN
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
