How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
