I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
