Got a toothbrush?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
