i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
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