That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
