that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
