i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
