just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
