You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Too much gin, very little bucket
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
