i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
