I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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