My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
