he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize