im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
