So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
