I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
