he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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