I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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