mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
