Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just found puke in my bra..
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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