and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
