I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize