Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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