He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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