Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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