Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
