I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I have aggressive nipples.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
