Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
