i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
