Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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