If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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