So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
