i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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