Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
where am i from again
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
