I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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