just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
