im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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