i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
