You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize