either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
