My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
