At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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