I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
