My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
