I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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