i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
There are leaves in my underwear?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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