Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
