You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize