Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
