you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
