Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
pop tarts are not kleenex
Actions speak louder than pants.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
