I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
