The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
